Let's start with this: I live and breathe baby. School? What is that? The dean of students actually had to call me the day my rank list was due for my residency choices to ask me if I was going to do it before the 6pm deadline. Three months ago I would have had obsessed over and finished that list weeks before the deadline. I did think about it, but let's just say it was more of an afterthought to my recent obsessions with breastfeeding, cloth diapers, and sleep, just to name a few.
Oh sleep. How I miss you.
I've never thought of myself as the motherly type. I still don't. I didn't immediately bond with little Edie. It's been a slow process. This is likely partly because breastfeeding was a nightmare at first. For school I've been doing a reading elective on breastfeeding...learning all its benefits to mom and baby and society at large. I was determined to make it work. I knew deep down that it wasn't going to come easy to me. For starters, I've always had really sensitive skin and I thought it might be painful. What I wasn't prepared for was the absolute ripping, searing pain that occurred nearly every 2 hours like clockwork for Edie's first 3 weeks. Instead of the loving bonding that was supposed to be happening during those precious awake hours with my little girl I spent most of it sobbing. Ha, labor was easy and finite compared to this never-ending torture. 2 midwives, 1 pediatrician, 3 lactation consultants and 1 occupational therapist later, we finally got a diagnosis I had never heard of--Edie had a posterior tongue tie so her tongue didn't work the way it was supposed to. Two hours driving up to Phoenix and one five-minute procedure later and 7/10 pain was now 2/10. We still had to spend some time teaching Edie to un-learn the bad habits she had picked up with her odd anatomy, but finally, after 5 weeks of post-partum depression directly correlated to my pain level, I felt sunny again.
Right around the same time Edie started sleeping a longer stretch at night. First 5 hours, then 6, and then 7-8 hours starting around 7-8pm. So for the past two weeks I've felt soooo much better since she only wakes up at 3am to nurse. Except tonight as I write this it is 8:30pm and after an hour of complete silence in her crib from 7-8 she is screaming. However when I picked her up, worried that something was really wrong, she started cooing and smiling so I'm pretty sure she's fine. I'm not looking forward to the nights ahead if this is going to be a new normal for her. I was just starting to enjoy sleeping through the night (which is evidently defined as 6 hours straight). And I'm not sure if I should let her cry it out or not. Most books say it's too young for that (she's only 7 weeks), but she seems to know exactly what she wants (to play and not sleep), so I feel like I'm creating a bad habit by giving in to her. Sigh. I just don't know how to do this parenting thing. OK-so after 20 minutes of crying she gave it up and I can see on my video monitor that she is sound asleep. Hmmm...it's all so frustrating really. Can you tell I'm not exactly into attachment parenting?
Lastly, we've decided to do cloth diapers. I LOVE them. When our diaper sprayer broke we did a few days of disposables that we had been given and she got the angriest diaper rash I've ever seen. One day of cloth diapers again and it was gone. I realize that's completely anecdotal, but I love our little TotsBots tinyfit newborn diapers. I'm trying to decide what to put her in when she outgrows these around 12 pounds. I want to do a one-size diaper next. Suggestions?
So that's what's been on my mind. Mommy stuff. This is so much harder than I expected. Part of me wishes someone would have told me, but I realize that I wouldn't have really listened--wouldn't have really heard it--anyways. I do love our little girl, but the newborn stage just isn't quite my thing. I'll take my next one potty trained, thank you very much.