I am not a blogger. I am not a scrapbooker. I am not crafty. I am not so many things that I sometimes pretend to be. I just spent the last hour trying to make our blog background cute and interesting since I've never changed it (and it seems like everyone else has skills in these areas and so clearly I should too). But I'm over it. Done. I admit defeat.
I basically just want to cry right now. But I have no reason to--my life isn't hard. I don't have any screaming kids, or a negative bank account, or even a pimple. I'm not pregnant and swollen, I didn't just burn dinner, and my husband is not working the night shift. I'm not single and lonely, nobody in my family is sick, and I am not sleep deprived. I didn't just fail a test or get rejected from a job. Everyone I know has any of a hundred reasons to feel like crying--but not me.
The one thing that makes such a seemingly perfect life hard sometimes is that feeling of not fitting in anywhere. Sometimes I think the Lord has asked me to take one of the hardest roads of all--the road not taken. I know my life isn't full of the real difficulties in life--the 2am wake up calls from a fussy baby or the trying to figure out which top ramen flavor we want to eat tonight to make ends meet. I don't get the hangover all my classmates get after a crazy party or hear all the heartbreaking gossip from the local bar they all went to on Thursday night. But as crazy as it sounds, it's the not going through those trials that is hard. Because it's lonely.
At church I am probably the only one that doesn't have any kids--and isn't planning on it in the next five years. I'm not sure how to contribute my two sense on morning sickness, or labor and delivery, or potty training a two-year-old even though I'd like to. Little do most people know that I actually envy their shared experiences.
At school I am the only girl who's married and Mormon. I don't fit into the Mormon click because I'm a girl. And let's be honest: there is no married click. Boyd and I try to make an effort to go to the parties and bring our own rootbeer and that works for the first hour before everyone gets drunk. I can't quite keep up with the Twitter of it all.
So, well, it's going to be a white blog. And maybe after re-reading this it's not so bad. "In the depth of winter, we find within us an invincible summer." Especially in Arizona. I may not have an adorable mormon mommy blog, or a recipe for green jello, but somewhere I know I am not alone. Thanks to the one person who truly understands it all--Jesus Christ.
15 comments:
Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. You totally belong! What would our primary be like without all your sassy and fantastically coordinated outfits? And what about your cute smile and your funny antics? I LOVE you! And I think you're totally rad and wicked awesome. Seriously. One hot lady.
But I know how you feel. I've definitely felt that way many times in my life and it can feel lonely. BUT - know that you add SO much to our lives. And it's okay to not have a baby yet! I know in Mormon culture it's a little more tough to think that, but waiting is just fine! There's plenty of life to live, plenty of time to have bebes and plenty of time to be the greatest mom on earth...which you will be!
And if you ever need a baby fix, I've got a munchkin that would love to hang out. :-) Love ya, sista!
Hi Lindsay. I know I don't know EXACTLY how you feel, but I can totally relate. I was so glad to serve in Primary before Henry was born because I couldn't stand Relief Society. I felt like every lesson was aimed at one kind of woman: the typical stay-at-home mom, and me with no kids and not even really knowing when we would be able to have kids. And now that Henry is here, I still feel like I don't fit in there because of the fact that I have a career. Every week all these sign up sheets go around for temple trips on Thursday mornings or group lunch dates on Fridays and I just pass them right along...
And then I go to work where I am the only woman in my department and so I totally don't fit in there. I feel like some of the engineers don't even know what to think of me or how to work with a woman... I have to hear all these slightly misogynistic jokes about wives who sit at home and wreck the porches that they buy for them... And I know Matt is lonely sometimes being a stay at home dad, which is even more rare in our culture than a working mom... And yes, it sucks. I feel like if I just knew one person who had done it before and done it successfully and made it all work, then that would make me feel so much better. So, I guess the point is, even though I'm not in your situation and never have been I totally feel like a misfit sometimes, too...
You are amazing, Lindsay! Strong and beautiful and smart just amazing. I'm so glad you're in our family.
Oh, also, I think the white blog looks great. Simple. Classic. Classy. Beautiful.
Ok so I have alot to say about this post but let's chat about it in person on Wednesday night. I was actually thinking about you the other day even before you asked to make me dinner. Just know that you're awesome. Ok, so plan on a chat.
Lindsay, I just noticed that your "about me" section says you both like to make out. INAPPROPRIATE! take it down immediately!
signed,
the Honor Code police
Also, I'm sorry for your loneliness but glad you know where to find comfort. I'm surprised there aren't more married couples who are putting off having kids in your ward. There are several in mine. Have you considered a student ward? I know that's a totally different environment, but if it's people whose life plans are similar to yours you're seeking, I think you'd have a good chance of finding some there.
Here's a hug from me. (hug.)
Hi Lindsay,
Remember me. I was a Humphrey. Anyway, I totally get what you are saying. Mike and I have been married for three years and we have no children yet. I work while Mike goes to school. We both feel that our Ward does not take us seriously because we don't have children yet. Sometime we feel treated as “just a young irresponsible married couple.” We don’t have any close friends in the Ward because we don’t seem to fit any of the profiles by being young and having no kids. Mike and I live in Tucson so we should get together, if you want. My email is rene@richins.net.
Rene
Lindsay, it's interesting because I think that in whatever circumstance we're in, we feel in a way that we don't fit in. I often feel like I don't fit in anymore because I am not married. It feels like everyone else is and that there's something wrong with me that I'm not snatched up. All I know is that sometimes we're not meant to fit in so that we can gain charity and compassion for those who also feel lonely. I have been able to share my single experiences with others who also are single. It has helped me to realize that I am not alone and I am sure it has also helped them too.
Don't give up. Rely on Heavenly Father. I will tell you honestly that sometimes I feel He is my only true friend. Though it sounds pathetic, it has made me rely on Him and the Savior that much more. And lets face it...that's why we are here.
Love you!
Lindsay! I miss our late night chats in grandma's basement :) I am sorry you are lonely! Life is HARD, at whatever stage we may be in, even if it seems like smooth sailing. Learning to be happy wherever we are is part of the test. I love you!!!!
Lindsay, I just found your blog and I figured that instead of stalking it, I would just come out and leave a comment:) All I can say is that I can totally relate to your feelings and I know it doesn't make it better for you. I loved how honest that post was and I know how it can be hard to find your place sometimes. Troy and I were the childless couple for a long time but we were little too old to hang out with the young "just married" couples so it was kind of a funky place to be.
You are accomplishing something big and I admire you for that:) And a white background is nice and classy. Just like you:)
Everytime we tell people that "we" are going to graduate school they always assume that it's just Jason and then I have to make sure they know that I am a graduate student too. Some people think it is strange but must people admire us and are jealous they didn't get their schooling done when they were young. We aren't having kids right away and that's ok. I love this time in our lives. I love it being just the two of us and I love working. When I was single I never wanted to get married and then one day I did. I think that will happen with kids. We're not ready yet. We still need the time with just us. Eventually one day I will be ok with the idea, but until then I'm having a blast with the freedom I have now. Don't worry about fitting in. I've gotten to know lots of different women in the ward and each of them have told me a totally different reason why they don't fit into this group or that group - which told me that it's ridiculous to try and fit into some sort of group, because you'll always want to be in a different one. Just enjoy fitting into your own group, even if it is different than anyone elses. I truly believe everyone has their own unique seasons, meaning that for each person certain phases of life will come at the right time and last for the right amount of time. p.s. I don't have a cutesy blog background either, and I don't want one - so we'll be in the uncutesy blog background group together ;)
Lindsay,
I hope you remember who I am or me writing this is probably totally creepy! Anyways... I couldn't help but feel your pain when I read your post! I felt the same way after we got married. Everyone always asking us when we were going to have kids, and just never really fitting in with our ward. And then at the same time, I was going to Beauty School, where I was the only one over 20 and married on top of it. Didn't really fit in with much of anyone. The sad thing is, it doesn't seem to end. Now we are in a new ward and everyone has tons of kids, so all the moms with several kids group together. It seems no matter what we do, we always feel out of place.
But I really admire that you guys are waiting to have kids. Heaven knows we should have! I felt so pressured, and we had him before we planned to. Now, I envy the lives of couples that can go out and do whatever they want when they want! I love my baby and am so happy I have him, but we really didn't need to rush into having him so soon. I think you just need to do what feels right for YOU and not let other people opinions get in the way.
OH! and as for cute blog layouts here is a site of really cute free one's that are really easy to download!
http://hotbliggityblog.com/
Good Luck!
Marie Schmutz-Cluff
Oh Lindsay. I TOTALLY understand. For sooooo many years, I have been you. I had no money struggles, I had tons of friends, I had a great job, I was single (but I refused to be sad about that), and things were just generally good.
No one would stop and ask me how I was doing... they stop and ask the inactive person who showed up their first Sunday in a month. And it wasn't that I needed that, it was more that I was just sick of being the "good one".
Nothing is wrong, nothing is bad, and everyone knows they can count on me to be responsible... but sometimes, it is still HARD!
One day I finally called my best friend, who had 2 screaming kids in the background and I said, I know your life is hard, but I need a pity party. She said she was up for it. So I proceeded to tell her how blessed I was, and yet some how it wasn't easy and I just wanted to cry.
Well, she gave me the best words of wisdom, I will never forget. "It is SUPPOSED to be hard."
Somehow, in her simple phrase I knew it would be ok, and that it did suck and it was hard... but that was good somehow. And Jesus Christ will help you know that for certain!
Good luck! (and by the way, I understand HTML, and I still haven't beautified my blog!)
Hey Boyd, I don't have you email. Do you still have plans for the kayaks you made in Virginia? I had someone here in the ward ask me tonight and you were the only one that I could think of that might still have them.
Oh and this is Alan in case you were wondering.
Wow, Lindsay, I've never seen such long comments on a blog before. You must be seriously loved! I hope you know you are. And I totally miss you majorly. You know what, you have way too many talents. You are so smart and will make a great doctor. You are a fantastic cook and will excel in culinary school. But I also think you are an amazing writer. You should write a book. Have you ever thought of it? I was very touched by everything you wrote, and no body can explain it like you--how it all feels. I've always wished I could express myself like you. It's amazing how even a seemingly easy life can be tough sometimes. Hugs. xoxo
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